Anger: Why it has no place in your marriage and relationship
Too many times we know we get angry, we know who (husband, or children), place (home, or work, and things (what we get angry at). The emotion of anger can make us feel like, I just have to release this feeling and let it out. But what happens when we do? Do we make it worse? Chances are….Yes!!!
Often when we find ourselves angry at our spouse, it is not even about the initial argument (let’s say it is about a child, or a conflict with a neighbor or friend), our anger is usually about how the person is showing up in that discussion (shouting, putting the other person down, or just being dismissive).
Since I love to write and talk about marriages and relationships, I’ll spin this article into both partner’s perspectives. If, if you find yourself completely and just being angry at your husband, or boyfriend, ask yourself the following questions?
What were the last arguments about?
a. Was it about school/children?
b. Was it about in-laws?
c. Was it about conflict with another person outside the home
Now ask yourself the following question?
What was it my husband/wife did that really annoyed me and made me angry?
Did he/she talk over me?
Did he/she put me down?
Did he/she just walk away and leave the conversation?
Now ask yourself? What was your response to when your partner spoke over you or dismissed you, or yelled at you?
a. Did you shout back?
b. Did you curse?
c. Did you say something mean or helpful?
Now the original Issue is lost and mixed with emotions, yelling, and anger
What is kind of funny/ironic and even amusing is how one issue (see number 1, school, in-laws, or person outside the home), has now become mixed with shouting, cursing, yelling, being put down, name calling. I don’t know about you guys but that is exhausting to have, on the couch (metaphor I use frequently for what couples choose to argue about.
You Always…You Never…Insert Yelling and Name calling
I’m sure we all have heard the proverbial “You always shout me down, You always tune me out…You never listen…”
Guys and Girls: Perhaps, you have heard your husband/wife say, “You are always so angry” or, “ You Can’t Control your temper.”
At the end of the day anger is an emotion, it’s something we tell ourselves we have to get under control, do better, or something our partner points out. But let’s as I say move it forward.
Move it Forward!: Solutions:
Had an argument? Sure it happens, join the club, arguments about issues, and disagreements are normal, hello!!
But move it forward, let’s try our best to take anger out of the next argument, Here are some free tips on the house. You can read these as either a step-by-step or just a suggestion list as well.
Paying it forward:
1. Wait a day or two to talk to your husband or wife about what is really on your mind from the last argument (whether it is the issue, or something else like being yelled at or disrespected).
2. Side note: If you are asking your husband/wife, “Hey, can we set aside a few minutes to talk this week”, And they are even dismissive of that, you have a much bigger problem!!
3. Start simple: Hey love, Hey babe, Hey Joe, whatever you get the point, I’ve been thinking about something lately and I’d love to just talk to you about it, nothing bad, just wanna talk, When can we talk? (example: when the kids go to bed, when we are laying down in bed together).
4. Own your shit: Hey I know I can get angry, and I have to do better. At the same time, I’m thinking about what it is that gets me angry, and I have to say I notice when we argue you do talk over me, or put down my opinion, and it really gets to me.
5. Then I would absolutely say nothing:
6. Ladies or Gents: The reaction will say it all: If you’re spouse is apologetic or remorseful, at least they are seeing how they showed up (yelling, dismissive, rude) as bad, and accounting for it.
7. If they get defensive and shut you down, when you are clearly just trying to call out something in the way they show up that is upsetting to you, then once again, you have a much bigger problem.
In Closing:
We all get angry, it happens, some more than others.
Just try, try, to not put that anger on the couch with you, next time you and your partner disagree or argue. I promise you, you will lower the emotional thermometer of the argument, and each other and be able to work through the issue.
Also it if it happens, and you get angry, it’s ok, it happens, were not perfect, and you are not going to “Fix” your anger overnight.
Say my bad, apologize for it, and at the same time bring to your partner’s attention hey the way you talk over me at the same time I know really gets to me, can we just do a little better?
I repeat let your partner say no to that, I truly hope they don’t.
We are not perfect, marriages aren’t relationships aren’t, but we can certainly show up better for our partner!
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